Moving Into the Wild Unknown

Liminal space. A space between the ‘what was’ and ‘what’s next’. A space of transition, waiting, not knowing. I find myself riding waves of emotions from one side of the spectrum all the way to the other these days. This is what I asked for when I drove my bike under the stars that summer night before I left: “Dear universe, whatever it is that you wish me to do, I’ll do it. I am prepared to live this life as intense as possible, I open myself to all the love that is waiting for me to receive it and I am prepared to work with heart and dedication for my mission in this life”. The stars responded with one of them falling and I cried out a thank you to the sky. Now the journey continues and the intensity has not faded for a moment. I find my soul back in my body, one week after leaving India. I find a heart full of trust and love with an ache for what I’ve left behind in the physical realm and a hope that I will embrace it soon again. This is a rite of passage, a time to reflect, to navigate the next steps with my inner compass. I registered myself again in Zwolle as a resident in my parents’ house today. It felt surprisingly good. I start to like being back here. I look at myself and I am curious to get to know this person, she seems different and full of surprises.

For the past five years, I associated my biggest fear and discomfort with being back in my hometown. Going back always felt like going back to a life I didn’t wish to live any longer. I feared falling back into unhealthy habits and patterns. But mostly I felt afraid to not be understood, to not be seen for who I am, to not be loved. And this is why I am here right now. To confront that fear and become friends again with my hometown. To see that I am the way I am because existence wants me to be that way. That every moment of my life makes sense, including or maybe even especially those 18 years I have lived in this sweet, small and seemingly uninteresting town. I start to see how this place is not uninteresting for me at all right now. I can see with the eyes of a traveler. India has helped me understand the puzzle pieces of my life. It all seems to make sense now. I feel I am at a point where, for the first time in my life, I can truly accept where I am and all that has happened leading up to this moment. I sense a new strength rising, the strength of surrender and acceptance of all that is. I feel how my surrender is creating an openness, a space created by existence for me to start perceiving things in a different way.

Life moves in cycles. I prayed for a miracle during my last weeks in India. Wishing to stay, wishing to prolong that which felt so right. But now I see how it continues, nothing has ever stopped. And a miracle arrived, but in a different outfit than I expected. A divine love has entered into my life, giving me so much reassurance, understanding and pure passion for life. A divine love that is guiding my soul in every moment. Isn’t this when life suddenly feels extremely valuable and incredible? When we get to experience the most profound ways of sensing, feeling and being in this body, on this planet, surrounded by other souls on a similar frequency. These are the moments where I feel that I am moving closer to a union of all that is. Closer to the actual experience of life as one, of love as the only thing that is ever real and at the core of everything. I feel it when I cycle with the cold wind and warm sun on my skin. I feel it when I watch the river with its strong current and the reflection of the sun that makes the water glitter. I feel it when I kiss my mother on her cheek and tell her that I love her. I feel it when I burn a candle on my altar and stare into the flames. I feel it when I let the words flow from my being as an expression of the love I have for this life. I feel it everywhere. And I seem to need less and less, because just being is already so overwhelmingly full of sensation.

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© 2019 Jeska Onderwater