The Butterfly Spreads Her Wings

The situation: my wallet is nearly empty, my phone drowned in the ocean and I lost my bra.

The feeling: it’s the best gift I could have received. I feel more free than ever.

My days are filled with singing, dancing, connection. Music is running through my veins and I feel it is my life’s mission to dance and sing it out. We are vibration, sound, we are music. I dance until my heart beats in synchronicity with the music’s rhythm; I dance without thinking, let my body move in mysterious ways. I find my soul in a Latino tune, hips swaying sensually. I stamp my feet on African beats and firmly root into the earth. I feel water energy flowing through as piano music takes my body into the most delicate movements. I dance and dance, I sing and sing. And the world sings back to me, carries my dancing feet wherever I go. Slowly I form new skin on my feet, they are getting used to all this barefoot dancing and walking on the beach. I form new skin all over my body. The cells that tell me I am not good enough are slowly dying out. The joyful ones full of trust and love are multiplying. It reminds me to never never never give up. We have to remember we are a little piece in a giant puzzle that we can impossibly grasp in its entirety. But if we trust our intuition and we follow along, we can be sure to find the exact path that we are meant to walk. You are not alone, you are guided and protected, wherever you are.

Almost midnight and I hear the waves crashing in on the shore. A candle burning on the altar and the smell of incense sticks fills my small beach hut made of palm leaves and bamboo. Silence. The end of another day full of liveliness. I have put down my roots in Arambol, a hippie-like village in northern Goa, inhabited by an international crowd of travellers, artists and tourists.

In this last year, I clarified my dream vision of a life lived in love and connection to the elements. A little house by the sea was my dream. Living a simple life in tune with the waters, the earth, the moon, the sun and the stars. I dreamed of a life filled with music, dance, sound and silence; living with open hearts in a community-like structure. Only a couple of months ago, this dream seemed very far away and I could only imagine it would take at least a couple of years before I might find myself there. But on this evening of the winter solstice I squeeze my arm and find myself actually living my dream.“Expect the unexpected” is what India reminds me of again and again. If you are ready, Mama India will take you on a journey far more deep and intense than you could have ever imagined.

I start to feel a new energy moving in. A new year is awaiting and I can only say that I am so ready for it. The last months were beautifully intense and challenging. There has been so much inner turmoil, physical imbalances in my body, feelings of insecurity, doubt and not knowing whether I can trust my intuition. Confronting my deepest fears, wondering if I have made the right decisions. And now I see myself, and the fears are still there, but I am ready to let go of them. The butterfly is finally spreading her wings. No more caterpillars, no more hiding. This is freedom. This is love. This is life. It’s ever changing, ever different. Those waves crashing in on the shore. And there is a silence in the center. A stillness in my being around which all this manifestation revolves. I let it all flow through me. The immense joy, ecstasy and love as well as the melancholy, sadness, and doubt.

After a heartfelt evening of music with friends I walk home through the small path along the cliff. Arriving at the end of it I climb over the rocks, just in time before the tide gets too high. Gracefully and thankfully I land my feet in the soft sand of the Sweet Lake beach. No one there, the restaurants have closed already and the lights are off. I look up to a sky filled with stars. Palm trees swaying in the wind. I cross the wooden bridge to the beach huts and climb up. I open the door of my hut and light a candle. This is home. Right now. Right here. My heart is filled with gratitude. The new moon is growing in the sky. Let’s see where the full moon of 2018 will take me. I close my door, blow off the candle and doze away. The waves crashing in on the shore. I am home.

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© 2019 Jeska Onderwater