The House With the Blue Windows

In this mystical universe, there are many places of exquisite beauty and true wealth. Places where one can breathe fresh air, drink clean water, eat fresh foods. Places where life can flow freely, without an atmosphere of stress, deadlines, polluted air or noisy traffic around.

I am writing these words on the balcony of a beautiful mountain house that happens to be just such a place. And even more, this house is fuelled by pure and loving intention, by a devotion to Love and Life. Santiniketan, as those who have created this home call it, or The House With The Blue Windows as I encountered it. A home created in Love. I am blessed to be guided to these sanctuaries for the heart, taking my home with me wherever I go and always finding a place that resonates with my being.

Places like this allow for healing, but what is actually meant by that? This process called healing. If you misunderstand its meaning, it might seem as if something is ‘wrong’, something needs to be fixed, to be healed.

In the last years, I have embarked on a conscious journey of inquiry about myself. Asking: Who am I? What is my purpose on this earth? What is truth? I have been blessed with many experiences that helped me gain insight into these questions. Realizing that love is the only truth underlying all experiences. Beautiful. But it has tricked me also into many moments of feeling the urge to run away when feelings and emotions that do not categorize as love come up. Having felt so much bliss and happiness in the last months of this journey, I notice my mind clinging to these experiences now that less comfortable emotions knock my door. I see how it is resisting letting in feelings that I thought I had left behind.

Yesterday I slipped and fell from the stairs in the beautiful house with the blue windows. Finally, my heart broke open and the tears started streaming down. “All is welcome” whispered my dear soul friend Sadhana as she stroked my hair. And all was flowing through.

Insecurity, grief, irritation, negative thought patterns. Impatience, hypersensitivity, self-pity, nightmares. A feeling of stiffness, blockage, fatigue, weakness in my body. All is welcome.

I am again confronted with this truth about healing. Healing is not about fixing, about good and bad, about always feeling full of love and light. It is about welcoming whatever is there and cultivating a never ending trust in the process. Even when things seem to be stuck, dark, cold and extremely uncomfortable inside. Especially then it helps to go even deeper in my trust, my faith that all serves a higher good.

Two weeks ago I attended teachings of the inspiring Buddhist nun Jetsunma Tenzin Palmo. She emphasized how being born human inevitably means we will suffer, as it is the nature of our world. Life on earth is part of samsara, the wheel of life that only ends when we reach liberation from suffering and illusion. From this point of view, it is exactly the acuteness of suffering that makes our being human so precious. Because is it not suffering that motivates us to evolve, to seek new directions and new ways of understanding? If anything we wished for would be possible at anytime, what would be left of life? What would we learn if we never had to go through anything that doesn’t feel comfortable? Suffering is the experience that can wake us up to the impermanence of everything. So that we can learn to live with more loving kindness, compassion and equanimity towards whatever crosses our paths.

Reminding myself of this wisdom, I am simply bowing down. The whirlwinds that are moving inside my being teach me to be humble and deeply trust the process. To be patient and compassionate with myself. I am human and capable of loving, capable of suffering. The only thing I can really do is to choose to suffer with love, instead of resisting what is there. To let things be. And to trust that all is for the best. That there will be a day on which I feel full of energy, vitality and confidence again. And I can write about my experiences, knowing that I am not alone. We all have different boats sailing on the same ocean. Let’s welcome the waves and never forget that underlying it all is a stillness and a love that never fades.

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© 2019 Jeska Onderwater